“But we can’t cut back our giving; they depend on us.” A couple who were my clients some years ago retired just as the dot-com crash had eroded their savings. Yet they wanted to continue the generous donations they had been giving to their church and several charities, even though it would have jeopardized their own financial health. Their money scripts included a belief that giving until it hurt was a virtue.
Religious trauma is one of the childhood experiences that can shape money scripts with damaging lifelong consequences. Those raised in churches and cult-like religious environments where giving is motivated by shame and guilt often carry financial scars that linger long after leaving the community.
Sarah Carr grew up in such an environment, and her practice as a Certified Financial Planner and Certified Financial Therapist focuses on helping clients with similar experiences.
In her family’s community, accusations of not giving enough led to her father losing his position as a leader. The elders accused her parents of disobedience and barred them from the group. The family suddenly lost their income and their entire social community, including eight-year-old Sarah’s best friend.
Sarah’s story illustrates how cults and cult-like religious communities can weaponize money. One common expectation in such communities is sacrificial giving. When members’ livelihood, sense of belonging, and sometimes even safety hinge on unquestioning compliance, giving to the point of harming one’s own wellbeing becomes the norm. It goes beyond generosity. This is giving rooted in compulsion, manipulation, and shame.
The consequences of sacrificial giving become especially real as people age. Retirees face a dilemma: having given faithfully during their working years, should they continue that level of giving on a limited retirement income? Sarah has seen retirees compromise their well-being, continuing to continue to give at unsustainable levels, even when their community offers no reciprocal financial support as they reach old age.
For those raised in rigid cult-like systems, compliance with financial demands is often presented as a measure of faith and commitment. As Sarah did, children may watch their parents suffer the consequences of falling short. Such experiences form powerful money scripts: “If I don’t give, I’ll be rejected,” or “My financial security depends on appeasing authority.” These scripts, internalized at a young age, can persist well into adulthood and result in ongoing destructive financial behavior even if someone leaves the religious group.
The emotional toll of being excommunicated or shunned compounds the financial impact. The combination of scarcity of belonging and scarcity of resources results in financial trauma. Left unexamined, that trauma drives beliefs and decisions that appear irrational on the surface but make perfect sense when traced back to the original wound.
For financial professionals, this underscores the importance of exploring clients’ history with money and community. Those driven to give to the point of harming themselves may be acting less from generosity than from deeply ingrained obligation, guilt, and fear. Helping clients navigate these conflicts requires compassion and a willingness to help them explore the emotional complexity of their money decisions.
When clients’ giving is shaped by religious trauma, the challenge is to help them heal from old burdens without challenging their religious faith. It may mean helping them consider that giving can include taking care of themselves financially so they are not a burden to others.
For my newly retired clients who wanted to keep up their sacrificial giving, we reframed the issue by acknowledging their decades of service and financial support. They ultimately concluded that their current volunteer work and time investment were also forms of giving. That decision allowed them to honor their values without undermining their financial security.
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